The M Word
Miscarriage is often a taboo word. We don’t want to talk about it in fear that we will somehow catch it like the flu. News flash it doesn’t work like that. It’s something that happens that is out everyone’s control. The word will still carry a punch, usually right to the throat, but if we keep talking about it, the time in which it takes to emotionally heal from one may start to lessen. It will happen when it happens right? Or maybe you’ve heard that miscarriages are common. Another good one is "at least you weren't that far along." A good friend told me during my miscarriage that as soon as you take that positive pregnancy test, you start picturing all the change the new life will bring. This couldn't be more true. As soon as I saw the word pregnant, my mind went to all of the things. Liv meeting her new sibling, Liv changing rooms to open up the nursery, organizing the clothes if it's a girl, all the new things we would buy if it's a boy....and the list goes on.
While all the above things do carry some truth, it's just best to not say those things to a woman who has experienced a miscarriage. Just let them know you can listen anytime they want or maybe take them out to dinner. Just a quick PSA and now back to the regular programming. When we first started trying to have our first child it took one month. You read that correctly, one month. I went off birth control, got one period and then the following cycle I was pregnant with Olivia. Ok maybe that’s two months, but still no issues whatsoever. Fast forward to trying for our second, our expectations were way off. Seth and I have talked about the M word knowing that if we want several children, the chance is there for one. You can talk about it all you want, but nothing will prepare you for the moment it happens. I had a large misconception about miscarriages and I guess I was lucky because I hadn’t experienced one yet. I thought it was a short moment in time, the miscarriage occurs and that’s it. Nope they can last weeks. How fun.... So here’s our story. We found out I was pregnant on Halloween of 2019. We got Liv a big sister sweatshirt and told some close family and friends. At 7 weeks pregnant to the day I started feeling cramps and had some light bleeding. I called the OB and the nurse advised me to go to the emergency room to get the quickest possible ultrasound. Seth left work early to meet me at Doylestown Hospital and my mom came to watch Liv. I’ll skip some of the minor details, but as we sat with the ultrasound tech we knew there was no heartbeat. I mean we knew what a heartbeat sounded like and looked like on the monitor because we experienced it with my first pregnancy. But still we waited in the room for what seemed like an eternity for the nurse to come in and tell us that there was no heartbeat and all signs lead to miscarriage. We all, nurse included who experienced several miscarriages herself, burst into tears. After my initial break down I honestly felt ok. I even felt guilty for feeling as well as I did. That content feeling didn’t last. Every single pregnancy post I saw during the next six weeks or so pushed me down harder than I even imagined. If I saw women giving birth or showing off their bumps, no problem, but the pregnancy announcements did me in. Makes sense though, my pregnancy announcement was taken from me for the time being. I decided to share my story on Instagram because I wanted to help other women. I didn’t do it for sympathy, that was going to do nothing for me. I shared it for myself to feel strength and shared it for others to let them know they aren’t alone. I didn’t post it to define me but in a way it did. I didn’t want to post to make others afraid to talk about pregnancy around me. I wasn’t really expecting that reaction but I do understand why that happened. It’s been a short four months since the miscarriage and let me tell you it’s felt like a million years. I will never forget this moment and it is a huge part of who I am now. I will proudly talk about it and discuss it along with other similar topics freely with whoever wants to listen. For anyone dealing with negative outcomes and circumstances when it comes to trying to grow your family, I see you. No I don’t understand the trials and tribulations of infertility, but I do know one thing. Don’t try to fight alone, seek help, get it and use it every damn minute.